Suffering, the end of suffering and sneezes

11:45 pm
Last night was a real ordeal for mig internally.
Talila started crying in the night and - i just couldn't deal with it. I moved to the guestroom. That could have been the end of it. But i was tormented by thoughts of how i was copping out, jumping ship leaving Mariel behind, that i was so weak and not fit to be a father. What was wrong with me? Etc. etc. Ad nauseum. I felt i was really sinking into a hellish state. Quite heavy to say the least. At the time, my rescue came from focusing on my breathing, bringing me to the now, away from the thoughts. And i soon fell asleep.

Today, i was in a pretty bad mood all morning, with the thoughts of self-loathing hovering around me. Then i suddenly remebered that, hey, they're ONLY THOUGHTS! They have no power to hurt me unless i believe in them as Truth.
"I am a total loser father."
How does it feel to believe such a thought? Pretty awful, i can tell you.
Even all these 'should' thoughts: "I should be more relaxed," or "I should be able to handle disturbed sleep better." They just create anxiety if i take the thoughts as true.
But if i just see that i am as i am, neither a winner nor a loser, neither better nor worse, and just see these thoughts and ideas as, well, just thoughts and ideas, then there is simply no problem anymore. This has been a real insight for me.

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On a lighter note, Talila is so cute when she sneezes. They always come at least two in quick succession. Then afterwards she makes this totally adorable baby-cooing sound. She hasn't really started "talking" baby-gibberish yet. It's mostly grunts and wheezes and crying so far. But when she is content, she is just totally silent looking around with big wide eyes.

She often likes to look off to the upper left or right when you hold her. It looks as though something's got her attention, but when you then change angles so that she would be looking straight at whatever it could be, she only follows it for an instant then it's back to looking to the upper left (or right). Strange...

Mariel notes that she is much more observant of impending pees and poops when she holds Talila without a diaper or towel. She says that she often gets the excretement signals in time but can be a bit lax if Talila has a diaper or towel under her. So she is now taking the big step of really trusting her instincts and Talila's signals and really having her diaper-free. At least daytime.

Okay time for beddy-bye!