Trial

2 am
Here i am up in the middle of the night. I can't sleep. Not because of Talila. Just a strange restlessness in the body.

Tough night last night, i woke up around five times, every time Talila stirred and/or grunted, let alone cried. And especially the last time just couldn't fall back asleep. Woke up feeling like a zombie with zero energy. I gradually came around, thanks in part to coffee.

We went into town later, Mariel had an appointment for therapeutic massage and i went along to take care of Talila in the hope that she wouldn't want to nurse then. As it turned out, she slept the whole time - i had her in the carrying shawl for an hour walking around the area putting up posters for the coming Heart Dance and even doing a big shopping. I was at a Konsum store where you register your purchase yourself with a laser scanner. It was only the second time i did this and i was worried Talila would wake up in the middle of it. But it all went really well.
So the day was fine.

But it was a real ordeal for me during the evening. We started watching a movie ("Slumdog Millionaire", well done though certain parts quite shocking) but Talila was pretty restless, crying for long bouts without us knowing what to do. She didn't want to nurse and she looked tired so that's usually a sign to put her in the carrying sling and bounce her around till she falls asleep.

We discovered recently that by holding her quite tightly against our bodies, she can calm down pretty quickly. Mariel's back is in bad shape so it was up to me this time to put her in the sling and do my best. Only this time it didn't work. Piercing crying going into my brain marrow. Ran downstairs holding her mouth in desparation trying to find my earplugs. Put them in and then literally ran loops around the staircase, bounce her and holding her tight. No go, no stop to the crying. Started singing "Sov du lilla vide ung" and that made her calm down but only for about 5 minutes when she started up again. At my wits end, i pulled her out of the sling and just held her lightly with just her lower torso in contact with me. That fixed it and she fell asleep. I went back upstairs to try to see more of the movie. She woke up after 10 minutes. More crying. Over to Mariel when she finally quieted down to some nursing. I just felt totally numb inside, a bit traumatized. This was really at the limit of endurance for me.

Resurgent feelings of inadequacy, weakness, failure. God, how do people manage this? I look with utter incredulity and amazement at Mariel who seems to be able to deal with this day after day with no end in sight with pretty much good cheer. I definitely need to find some support group for new fathers...